


Top Gear Musical

by crackerscheese



Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Musicals
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-20
Updated: 2013-07-29
Packaged: 2017-11-29 23:53:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/692973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crackerscheese/pseuds/crackerscheese
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Due to a bet with the producers Jeremy, James and Richard are doing tonight's show...in song!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work of fan fiction for Top Gear so comments are extremely welcome!

[Top Gear Theme Song Plays]

Jeremy (Voice Over): Tonight on Top Gear, James and I have an awkward silence-

[Screen shows James and Jeremy seating couches on the platform, not talking while the audience laughs around them]

Jeremy (VO cont.): James has a flat tire-

[Screen shows James suddenly stopping his car on the track and getting out to see the flat tire]

James: Oh cock!

Jeremy (VO cont.): And we all sing!

[Screen shows Jeremy and Richard in the middle of a song on the track next to two cars]

Richard: (sings) My car is better, and there’s nothing you can do about that!

Jeremy: (sings) Well...

[Top Gear theme song ends and the cameras from a monitor in the hanga r and focuses on Jeremy]

Jeremy: Hide your kids and put in your earplugs because this is the first and only musical episode of Top Gear!

[Confused murmurs are heard throughout the audience]

Jeremy: I know what you’re thinking: What the hell is going on? Well, the producers bet a lot of money that we couldn’t do the whole show in song, and now we’re proving them wrong.

[Murmurs of disbelief are heard from the audience]

Jeremy: Yeah, I know it’s stupid, but we’re doing it! Now it’s time for me to road test a new car!

[Monitors show a video of Jeremy driving a new car on the car]

Jeremy: (in video) I can’t believe I’m going to do this.

[Jeremy takes a deep breath]

Jeremy: (sings) This car is hard to beattt, it is a Merecedesss and it is pretty cheapppp! (whispers to camera) 5,000 pounds. (sings) The car’s sleek and fast and built to last, goes naught to sixty in 3.5 seconds and every bad idea for the car has been rejected. I am in awe of it’s beauty, it’s...it’s...

[Jeremy suddenly stops the car and opens the front door]

Jeremy: (talking to crew) What rhymes with beauty?

[The crew mumbles for a few moments]

Crew member: Classy?

[Jeremy thinks for a moment]

Jeremy: (sings) The car is classy! (talking to crew) How was that?

[Film ends and the cameras turn to an embarrassed Jeremy accompanied by Richard]

Jeremy: That was mortifying!

[Audience laughs]

Richard: C’mon Jeremy, think of the money we’ll get when this is over. Besides, that was the shortest road test you’ve ever done!

Jeremy: I can’t think of good rhymes on the spot, you know.

Richard: That much was obvious. Care to introduce the Stig with me?

Jeremy: Not at all. (sings) Some say that he once rolled around with pigs-

Richard: (sings) But all we know is he’s called the Stig! (talks) Take it away Stig! 

[Richard pointed at the Stig, who was in the hangar]

The Stig: …

Richard: C’mon Stig! Take it away!

The Stig: …

Richard: Alright then, be that way!

[Audience laughs]

Jeremy: Just roll the tape!

[The monitors show the Stig driving the car around the track. The cameras then turn back to Jeremy and Richard who are by the lap time board]

Jeremy: (sings) I think you want to know the results.

Richard: (sings) Yes, I want to know if the car has any speeding faults.

Jeremy: (sings) It might be faster than a Ferrari-

[Audience laughs]

Richard: (sings) Hey that isn’t funnyyy!

Jeremy: (talks) Actually it kind of is. Anyway, the car’s lap time is 1.28.7, which is faster than a Mercedes CL65.

Richard: (unenthusiastically) Interesting.

Jeremy: Cheer up mate, they were laughing with us, not at us.

Richard: (sarcastically) Sure they were.

Jeremy: Sing to commercial break with me?

Richard: Why the hell not?

Jeremy: (sings) Stay right here we’ll see you soon-

Richard: (sings dully) Right after the break we’ll do the news.

[The audience applauds as Top Gear goes to break]

TO BE CONTINUED


	2. Top Gear Musical Pt. 2

[Top Gear comes back from commercial, and the camera focuses on James, who is seating on the couch on the platform]

James: Alrighty then, now it’s time for the news.

Richard: That it is. Now, how are we going to do this? I mean, are we going to tell the news in song?

Jeremy: Hell no! I mean, what rhymes with Corvette? Nothing!

[Audience laughs]

James: Actually, it rhymes with jet...

Jeremy: Shut up James.

Richard: Really guys, what are we going to sing about?

Jeremy: How about we sing about what we do during the news segment?

Richard: What does that mean?

Jeremy: I mean we can sing something like this: (sings) During the news we talk about the designs of new cars.

Richard: Oh I get it. (sings) We say if it’s gorgeous are if the designers should be behind bars. (talks) James, try it.

James: (sings) Um, we talk about brands of cars from other countries--

Jeremy: (sings) And about how the government limits our speeding.

Richard: (sings) We make fun of car merchandise, especially during the Christmas time--

James: (sings) And we get emails saying that we crossed a line.

Jeremy: (sings) Enemies beware of the fights you choose--

Richard: (sings) Because against us you’ll surely lose.

James: (talks) And that’s what happens when we do the news.

[Audience cheers]

James: That was good, wasn’t it?

Richard: Yep, especially since the whole thing was scripted. That’s right producers, you heard me-- we planned this entire song. And it wasn’t worse than the ones we pulled out of our asses.

[Audience laughs]

Jeremy: Anyway, as usual we bought three cars and the producers give us three challenges, yadda, yadda, yadda. Let’s just see what we did.

[The cameras zoom into a monitor that shows James driving to join Jeremy and Richard with their cars on the track]

Richard: Finally! Here comes James, late as usual.

[James comes out of his car and joins Richard and Jeremy]

James: Sorry, I got a bit lost.

Richard: Again? Seriously, how do you find your way back home at night?

James: Luck?

Jeremy: Alright guys, let’s take a look at our cars.

[Jeremy takes a look at everyone’s cars}

Jeremy: Well, as usual my car is best.

Richard: What? No, my car is better!

Jeremy: Nope, in this and all cases, you’re wrong. Mine’s better by far.

Richard: No it isn’t!

James: Song time!

Richard: (sings) My car is fast, unlike yours it’s built to last, and it’ll beat your car at a drag race at anytime! My car is better, and there’s nothing you can do about that!

Jeremy: (sings) Well...my car is prettier, while yours is sillier, and frankly my car is built for speed! My car is better, and there’s nothing you can do about that!

James: (sings) Well...may I interrupt, you’re all out of luck, ‘cause my car is better than both of yours! My car is better and there’s nothing you can do about that!

Richard: (sings) Well...James you’re Captain Slow--

Jeremy: (sings) And you don’t even know--

Richard: (sings) How not to get lost on our track!

Jeremy and Richard: (sings) Our cars are better, and there’s nothing you can do about that!

James: (talks) ...Actually, you’re right.

Richard: (sings) What are we going to do, to see whose opinion is true--

[Jeremy waves an envelope]

Jeremy: (sings) In my hands is a challenge, that will surely manage...

Jeremy and Richard: To see which car is better--

James: (sings) And there’s nothing we can do about that!

Richard: (talks) Jeremy, open the letter and see what challenge we’ve got.

[Jeremy opens and reads the letter]

Jeremy: (talks) It looks like we’re having...a drag race!

Richard: Yes! I’m so gonna win this!

James: (talks) No! I’m so gonna lose this! 

Jeremy: Cheer up May, you might win this time.

[There was a brief pause before both Jeremy and Richard burst out laughing]

James: Wow Clarkson, thanks for the encouragement.

Jeremy: Sorry James. However unlikely it may be, you can still win. Our cars could be steaming piles of crap for all we know.

Richard: May the best car win?

James and Jeremy: May the best car win.

Richard: And on that note, let’s go into commercial break.

TO BE CONTINUED


	3. Chapter 3

[ _Top Gear_ comes back from commercial and a camera focuses on Jeremy, who is in front of the audience]

Jeremy: Now it’s time to put a Star in a Reasonably Priced Car. We had a guest scheduled for tonight, but when we told them that that we were going to do the interview in song they decided to jump ship. So I guess that’s ruined.

[Audience laughs]

James: You know, you can interview me if you like.

Jeremy: Hell no! I want the audience to be entertained, not bored to death!

[Audience laughs]

Jeremy: Hey, I have a idea!

[Jeremy looks over at the audience]

Jeremy: Who here wants to be interviewed by me, the great Jeremy Clarkson?

[Lots of hands go up and Jeremy points at one, who turns out to be a young blonde woman that walks to the stage and sits across from Jeremy on the couch]

Jeremy: Hello, what’s your name?

Woman: Emily.

Jeremy: Emily, tell me your favorite cars. In song. And rhyme if possible.

Emily: (sings) My favorite cars in the whole world are the Bugatti Veyron and...

[Emily collapses into a fit of giggles]

Jeremy: Come on, Emily, you only had one more car to go!

[Emily to regain her composure and fails, now laughing even harder. The audience joins her]

Jeremy: This idea was horrible. I knew no normal person would take this seriously. Go back into the crowd, Emily.

[Emily leaves, still laughing, and Jeremy turns to look at the crowd]

Jeremy: Can anyone here sing during an interview without cracking up?

[No hands go up]

Jeremy: Wow, that was less people than I expected.

Voice: I can do it!

[Jeremy turns eagerly in the direction of the voice, but is dismayed when it turns out that the voice was James’s]

Jeremy: No, anybody but you! Hammond, get up here and let me interview you! 

Richard: Sorry, I am too busy not getting involved in this singing thing for as little as possible to help you out right now. I’m sure James can, though.

Jeremy: Nooo!

[Jeremy sighs]

Jeremy: Alright, James, you win. Come on up.

[Audience cheers as James gets on the stage]

Jeremy: May.

James: Clarkson.

[An awkward silence ensues. The audience laughs as James and Jeremy avoid eye contact]

Jeremy: Since I already know too much about you, this interview should hopefully be brief.

James: Okay.

Jeremy: Alright then. How was your day, James?

James: It was fine, thank you.

Jeremy: Have a nice lunch?

James: Yes, as always.

[There was another awkward silence. Audience laughs]

Jeremy: Okay, this is around the part where we show you your lap and since you didn’t do one—

James: We instead sit in an awkward silence.

[Audience laughs]

Jeremy: No, no more awkward silences. I forbid it.

James: Then what do we talk about?

Jeremy: How about the fact that you have OCD?

James: No I don’t!

Jeremy: How about that time with the watch?

James: That was one time! Anyway, some people have some weird pet peeves, right?

[James turned to the audience for support. There was none]

Jeremy: Seriously James, you have a problem.

[James crosses his arms]

James: I don’t have a problem.

Jeremy: Denial is not just a river in Egypt, you know. Anyway, we’re out of time! When we come back, we’ll have a drag race!

[Crowd cheers]


End file.
